To get out of a funk (supposing you admit to yourself you want to get out of it), try seeking out beauty.
Of course, everything depends on how we define our terms here. In this context "beauty" and "beautiful" refer not merely to things that are immediately pleasing to the eye, though those things might still count.
Instead, here, when you experience something beautiful you are simply looking (listening, tasting, etc.) on with awe and appreciation but have no sense of judgement. The classic example is a beautiful sunset. When you are looking out over a scene and there is this gorgeous sunset going on, and you're just watching thinking "woah!", you are not doing a few other things. First, for that moment you're not troubled by whatever dramas were cycling in your head immediately before. Second, you're not nit-picking. You're not saying "yeah, this is a nice view, but it would be better if that one cloud on the left were higher up." The moment you do that is the moment the beauty ceases to grab you (by the definition I use).
If you can find something beautiful to experience, it will deal a huge blow to your funk! And not just for the small bit of time you're staring at the sky colors.
The trick, though, is that there is beauty to be found in pretty much everything. When some people say that God is in everything, I can agree with them so far as I replace "God" with "beauty" in my mind -- the feeling of perceiving it is somewhat transcendent, and it's probably the closest thing I've had to a religious experience.
Sometimes, like with our sunset above, the beauty reaches out and throttles us into awe. Mostly, though, we have to know or learn how to perceive it. It's like a "filter" on perception, almost. Like how people write about "looking on the world with angry eyes" or whatever, and their whole interpretation of pretty much everything changes. Or when you've just received some fantastic news, or some terrible news, your brain can "spin" everything, like an amazing PR team. Some people seem to have their "bitter" filter stuck on. Others somehow manage to link everything to a few pet theories they have.
So, beauty is another filter. It might take a small bit of practice to get familiar with it. But, since it literally is possible to perceive beauty in every single object, moment, aspect, scent, song, spilled glass of wine, and ceiling stain, you won't need to travel to do this.
What are you looking for? It can be hard to describe the sensation of feeling beauty, but we've all had it. Next time you are grabbed by a poem or a song or a taste or a city skyline, try to lock in what the experience was like.
When you are in a funk, bring back that filter and apply it to something. Voilà!
OK -- some clarifications
Q: Doesn't the act of labeling something as beautiful go counter to the goal?
A: Yes, sort of. The whole thing here is about taking something -- anything -- and accepting it in a non-judgmental way, and being swayed by its intrinsic majesty. We are not saying "this sunset is good" or "I like this pothole". You don't have to like the pothole. That's a totally different sort of filter, the "some things I like and they are good, some things I don't like and they are bad" filter. Here, we are accepting the pothole and having this almost poignant appreciation for it.
Q: Isn't deliberately applying filters to your experiences, even a "beauty" filter, contrary to everything?
A: For all other filters, yes. I think we should be striving to see the world with naked eyes, as it were (and hearing with naked ears, etc.). The secret here is, the beauty filter isn't a filter at all. I would say that the naked perception is the one that leads us to experience beauty. Calling this a filter is counter-productive for someone more advanced, but for the 99% of us who just naturally have terrible control over our silly minds, thinking of it as a filter makes it easier to conceptualize.
Q: Is finding something to be ugly, the converse of beauty, going to totally destroy my shot at a good mood?
A: It's possible. Go try it really quick. Go think of something ugly (like some "terrible" person who wronged you lately). How do you feel now? Do you have a happy filter on?
Not so great, huh. You probably didn't even notice your surroundings as much just then, so caught up in your perceived ugliness.
In the conventional sense of ugly (i.e., not pleasing to the senses), there is still a beauty to be found. I'm sure you've seen pictures of someone who is the farthest thing from classically handsome/pretty, yet his or her face possess something inspiring anyway.
Beauty really is basically everywhere. Enjoy it! :D
Friday, April 13, 2012
Thursday, September 1, 2011
using a weakness to overcome it
Over the past 24 hours I realized a much better way to overcome a bad habit or other sort of weakness.
This can work for things like procrastination, messiness, habitual lateness, disorganization, and various temptations like facebooking all the time.
Perhaps you've heard stories of some OCD-type whose kitchen is meticulously organized. All the tupperware is sorted by size and shape immediately upon coming out of the dishwasher. Forks stacked neatly in their compartment. Condiments lined up precisely to the edge of the shelf. When the interviewer asks why he's done this, the guy says it's because he's lazy.
To the rest of us, it barely makes sense. Lazy people don't regularly wash their dishes, much less stack them punctually in any sort of meaningful order. But the guy meant he didn't want to have to expend time when looking for something.
That is, he determined he was bad at wanting to put in the effort to find just the right item, and so he was compensating for it.
Overcompensating.
I've just moved into a new room in Cambridge, MA. It's beautiful and spacious, but I know I have a problem with disorganization, so I've been extra diligent about giving each item a home and putting it back there as soon as I'm done with it. I struggle with staying tidy.
As a result, the room is spotless.
I had the audacity to peek into a housemate's room and it may as well have been the scene of a localized tornado. Clothes, wrappers, dishes everywhere. Papers haphazard, bed unmade, floor barely visible. This is what I feel like my room would be like if I don't work at it. If anyone asked, I'd say that I'm typically a slob and have problems with organization, and I know they'd laugh and think me sarcastic.
But no. I'm simply embracing the fact that I've previously been a slob and I know that I need to work hard to fight it.
So give it a try. If you find you're often late to things, admit to yourself that you need to work on your punctuality, and find ways to compensate for it. That's all.
This can work for things like procrastination, messiness, habitual lateness, disorganization, and various temptations like facebooking all the time.
Perhaps you've heard stories of some OCD-type whose kitchen is meticulously organized. All the tupperware is sorted by size and shape immediately upon coming out of the dishwasher. Forks stacked neatly in their compartment. Condiments lined up precisely to the edge of the shelf. When the interviewer asks why he's done this, the guy says it's because he's lazy.
To the rest of us, it barely makes sense. Lazy people don't regularly wash their dishes, much less stack them punctually in any sort of meaningful order. But the guy meant he didn't want to have to expend time when looking for something.
That is, he determined he was bad at wanting to put in the effort to find just the right item, and so he was compensating for it.
Overcompensating.
I've just moved into a new room in Cambridge, MA. It's beautiful and spacious, but I know I have a problem with disorganization, so I've been extra diligent about giving each item a home and putting it back there as soon as I'm done with it. I struggle with staying tidy.
As a result, the room is spotless.
 |
| Being a minimalist (on account of formerly being a packrat) helps too. |
I had the audacity to peek into a housemate's room and it may as well have been the scene of a localized tornado. Clothes, wrappers, dishes everywhere. Papers haphazard, bed unmade, floor barely visible. This is what I feel like my room would be like if I don't work at it. If anyone asked, I'd say that I'm typically a slob and have problems with organization, and I know they'd laugh and think me sarcastic.
But no. I'm simply embracing the fact that I've previously been a slob and I know that I need to work hard to fight it.
People who feel that they are good at resisting temptation are shown to be likely to cave sooner than those who are aware that they need to remain on guard.That's the principle I'm getting at here. If you (1) admit to yourself and (2) decide to actively guard against some particular temptation or bad habit, you will probably be much better off in the long run. Of course, some things like dieting should be approached with caution lest you develop anorexia, and it's important not to let such self-guarding degenerate into an undermined self-esteem, but generally the principle is helpful.
So give it a try. If you find you're often late to things, admit to yourself that you need to work on your punctuality, and find ways to compensate for it. That's all.
What I am not saying is that you need to cure yourself of the defect. Oh no. Maybe later you can do that. But for now, at this juncture, just note that you need to find strategies to deal with it.After a while, you may still feel that you always run the risk of being sorta late to stuff, but looking at your track record you'll notice it's been a long time since you actually were.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
You are the CEO
You're your own CEO. But you're not the world's micromanager.
You get to pick your responses to what goes on around you, to the weather, to news from your family, to how poorly your waiter delivered upon your order. You don't HAVE to hate blustry, rainy days, after all!
I like to find people who enjoy things I don't like. The kid who enjoys that blustry, rainy day is on to something! She has no more control over the weather than I do, but instead of resigning herself to misery and complaining about the cold, she's actively celebrating it. Which would you rather do?
Here's an experiment for you. Don't worry, it'll take less than a minute, so you can do it right now. There's three parts:
Not very original of me, I know. Ha! But when you get to control your own reactions to things, wouldn't you want to practice picking the fun one, train yourself to go for the one that makes you feel good?
We get almost no control over the world outside of our bodies, so that's not a good source of happy feelings. Let's take advantage of what we do get to adjust, and stop looking for reasons why we should be miserable.
Hooray!
You get to pick your responses to what goes on around you, to the weather, to news from your family, to how poorly your waiter delivered upon your order. You don't HAVE to hate blustry, rainy days, after all!
I like to find people who enjoy things I don't like. The kid who enjoys that blustry, rainy day is on to something! She has no more control over the weather than I do, but instead of resigning herself to misery and complaining about the cold, she's actively celebrating it. Which would you rather do?
Here's an experiment for you. Don't worry, it'll take less than a minute, so you can do it right now. There's three parts:
- Neutral. Close your eyes. For one breath check out the feelings in your torso, for another breath check out your face. Fine.
- Miserable. Now make the most unhappy, pissy expression you can! Woo! Maybe try anger, or rage, or just whatever your favorite rap artist is inspiring today. Hold it, and using the next two breaths check out how your torso and your face feel. You may notice a tightening in the belly, or a shift in your chest.
- Happy. Put a big ol' genuine smile on your face. The kind that makes the corners of your eyes crinkle. Smile like you mean it. Ok, now check out how your torso and face feel.
Not very original of me, I know. Ha! But when you get to control your own reactions to things, wouldn't you want to practice picking the fun one, train yourself to go for the one that makes you feel good?
We get almost no control over the world outside of our bodies, so that's not a good source of happy feelings. Let's take advantage of what we do get to adjust, and stop looking for reasons why we should be miserable.
Hooray!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
i like listening to music
So many people list as a hobby "listening to music". Me too! But how often do we really do it? I mean, yeah, there's music on in the background almost wherever I go, even at the law office. It's nice most of the time, and I find it pleasant. But I wouldn't say that this qualifies as "listening to music".
When is the last time you found yourself doing just that, and nothing else? Just sitting down or laying back, listening to music? It's really quite enjoyable -- of course it is, this is why we all list it as a hobby. Why don't we do it more? During our leisure time, shouldn't we be doing things that are really awesome?
It's like eating. How many of us say, "Gosh, I love food!" or more specifically "I love chocolate!" or "Blood oranges are my favorite." or "Avocados are delicious!" These foods are so good! But so often, when we eat them, we are also doing other things. We are also reading the internet, or playing on our phones, or watching tv, or driving, or whatever.
Food is SOOOOOOO good! Let's just take that tiny tiny bit of time it takes to place it in our mouths, chew, and swallow, and not do anything else then.
Really, it's not a humongous commitment. The rewards are fantastic. And it also counts as a meditation.
Last night I decided that I was denying myself too much great enjoyment, and it was time to indulge in the Good Things in Life. I turned out the lights, put on my nice headphones, and listened to the entirety of Vivaldi's The Four Seasons. I really got into it, experiencing the themes, the individual notes, the harmonies, the quality of each sound, the composition as a whole, the grace and poignancy of the violin, etc.
It was great! It was intense! It was something I might look back at and remember as a really great evening. Otherwise I might have just been surfing the internet or playing a game, not really doing much of note. I don't get that much leisure time, so I'm going to make good use of it!
When is the last time you found yourself doing just that, and nothing else? Just sitting down or laying back, listening to music? It's really quite enjoyable -- of course it is, this is why we all list it as a hobby. Why don't we do it more? During our leisure time, shouldn't we be doing things that are really awesome?
It's like eating. How many of us say, "Gosh, I love food!" or more specifically "I love chocolate!" or "Blood oranges are my favorite." or "Avocados are delicious!" These foods are so good! But so often, when we eat them, we are also doing other things. We are also reading the internet, or playing on our phones, or watching tv, or driving, or whatever.
Food is SOOOOOOO good! Let's just take that tiny tiny bit of time it takes to place it in our mouths, chew, and swallow, and not do anything else then.
Really, it's not a humongous commitment. The rewards are fantastic. And it also counts as a meditation.
Last night I decided that I was denying myself too much great enjoyment, and it was time to indulge in the Good Things in Life. I turned out the lights, put on my nice headphones, and listened to the entirety of Vivaldi's The Four Seasons. I really got into it, experiencing the themes, the individual notes, the harmonies, the quality of each sound, the composition as a whole, the grace and poignancy of the violin, etc.
It was great! It was intense! It was something I might look back at and remember as a really great evening. Otherwise I might have just been surfing the internet or playing a game, not really doing much of note. I don't get that much leisure time, so I'm going to make good use of it!
Monday, February 28, 2011
let's not assume misery
Lately I've been noticing more how people assume that I'm unhappy in my situation. Not because I seem miserable (I hope!) but because apparently the default is that certain activities must be unpleasant.
Nothing really must be unpleasant! And I'd like to think I've come some distance toward being able to do more and more things without being miersable about them.
For example, this morning at work (which I love going to!) I mentioned that I had been studying all weekend for the MPRE, which is a part of the bar exam. It's not as challenging as the rest of the bar, but preparing for it did dominate my weekend. One of my co-workers said something like, "Oh, that must have been a chore! It'll all be over soon."
How do I respond to this? It was certainly intense, but it wasn't a chore. In fact, I sort of got into it and even told my boyfriend how much I was enjoying getting back into study mode. I don't mind the reading and having 5 more days of it is neither too long nor too short a time for delving into the task.
I'm sure Donna at work was just being nice, but it was sort of awkward for me.
I left the office an hour early to keep working on bar stuff, and ran into my lovely flatmate and fellow Buddhist, L. I mentioned how I got out early and she commented on how great it must have felt to be able to get up from my desk and say, "Well, I'm outta here!"
No, hahaha, no no no, I like being at work! Going from one interesting task (work) to another (driving) to a third (changing out of business attire) to a fourth (prepping for the MPRE) does not mean I am fleeing one thing or dreading another. It is just life! And it is not unpleasant!
When you are a kid at summer camp, every activity is an activity. There is wake-up, breakfast, cabin cleaning, crafts, athletics, lunch, etc. Cabin cleaning is just one more activity. It's just another part of the day. it's not necessarily awful or a punishment or the worst thing on the schedule. Sometimes it's down-right fun! :)
My bf posted on his facebook about how, despite landing a $1000 fenderbender and having his house robbed 10 days ago, he's having a really fantastic 2011 so far. Smilie-face.
Hooray! :D Happiness! [Maybe I am part of that fantasticness...?]
But instead, the comments started coming in about how that sounds miserable and how awful that all seems, and how sorry people were. Or how they wondered if he was being sarcastic.
He was not being sarcastic; he was being genuinely joyful despite these unanticipated events. And all these well-meaning people were saying "sorry" for him in his cheery optimism, condolences for his high spirits!
I know, I know. "But they mean well..." Yeah, they do. All these people. Sometimes I just announce things ("I went to the store and saw a lot of milk!" or "There are two clouds in the sky and they look fluffy!" or "I put this blue candy in my mouth and it was very sour!") and quite frequently my ex would say with full sympathy, "It's not easy being you, is it."
Eh? I am observing! I am not complaining!
Hahahaha. Ok. This whole post is sort of a complaint I guess, so now I am complaining. There. :P But really, my feelings at most amount to frustration. They edge closer to confusion, mainly at how best to respond to all these things.
Do I have to scamper about saying gleefully, "I love my work! I love being at work! It is my joy and I look forward to the rest of my career in this same avenue! Also I left an hour early today."? No, haha, then the assumption might be that I am miserable because I am no longer at the office.
Dear readers, do you have any suggestions?
 |
| "Brussels sprouts?! Oh that sounds like an awful breakfast your bf made you!" |
Nothing really must be unpleasant! And I'd like to think I've come some distance toward being able to do more and more things without being miersable about them.
For example, this morning at work (which I love going to!) I mentioned that I had been studying all weekend for the MPRE, which is a part of the bar exam. It's not as challenging as the rest of the bar, but preparing for it did dominate my weekend. One of my co-workers said something like, "Oh, that must have been a chore! It'll all be over soon."
How do I respond to this? It was certainly intense, but it wasn't a chore. In fact, I sort of got into it and even told my boyfriend how much I was enjoying getting back into study mode. I don't mind the reading and having 5 more days of it is neither too long nor too short a time for delving into the task.
I'm sure Donna at work was just being nice, but it was sort of awkward for me.
I left the office an hour early to keep working on bar stuff, and ran into my lovely flatmate and fellow Buddhist, L. I mentioned how I got out early and she commented on how great it must have felt to be able to get up from my desk and say, "Well, I'm outta here!"
No, hahaha, no no no, I like being at work! Going from one interesting task (work) to another (driving) to a third (changing out of business attire) to a fourth (prepping for the MPRE) does not mean I am fleeing one thing or dreading another. It is just life! And it is not unpleasant!
When you are a kid at summer camp, every activity is an activity. There is wake-up, breakfast, cabin cleaning, crafts, athletics, lunch, etc. Cabin cleaning is just one more activity. It's just another part of the day. it's not necessarily awful or a punishment or the worst thing on the schedule. Sometimes it's down-right fun! :)
My bf posted on his facebook about how, despite landing a $1000 fenderbender and having his house robbed 10 days ago, he's having a really fantastic 2011 so far. Smilie-face.
Hooray! :D Happiness! [Maybe I am part of that fantasticness...?]
But instead, the comments started coming in about how that sounds miserable and how awful that all seems, and how sorry people were. Or how they wondered if he was being sarcastic.
He was not being sarcastic; he was being genuinely joyful despite these unanticipated events. And all these well-meaning people were saying "sorry" for him in his cheery optimism, condolences for his high spirits!
I know, I know. "But they mean well..." Yeah, they do. All these people. Sometimes I just announce things ("I went to the store and saw a lot of milk!" or "There are two clouds in the sky and they look fluffy!" or "I put this blue candy in my mouth and it was very sour!") and quite frequently my ex would say with full sympathy, "It's not easy being you, is it."
Eh? I am observing! I am not complaining!
Hahahaha. Ok. This whole post is sort of a complaint I guess, so now I am complaining. There. :P But really, my feelings at most amount to frustration. They edge closer to confusion, mainly at how best to respond to all these things.
Do I have to scamper about saying gleefully, "I love my work! I love being at work! It is my joy and I look forward to the rest of my career in this same avenue! Also I left an hour early today."? No, haha, then the assumption might be that I am miserable because I am no longer at the office.
Dear readers, do you have any suggestions?
Thursday, February 10, 2011
happiness is boring?
With some frequency I hear, "Why would you want to be happy all the time? That'd be boring."
As if!
When people ask what I want to do with my life, I often say that I have a goal of long-term happiness. Then without fail, unless the other person has explored some eastern concepts (like Buddhism or yoga), I will be informed that this is a silly goal because happiness is dull. And furthermore, that happiness cannot exist without sadness, by which to compare it and recognize that it is happiness.
Let's clear some stuff up!
Where is the bore?
What is boringness, dullness? This is when we aren't stimulated enough by what's already before us, so we want something else instead. It means we aren't satisfied with what's there. To me, it seems clear that this is the very definition of unhappiness, this dissatisfaction.
Therefore, to be happy, long-term happy, we would be in a non-boring situation. Otherwise we wouldn't be happy with what we have.
Hahaha, but this is the silly way of explaining things. It is logical and it is true, but really, it's too clinical.
Happiness is AWESOME! It's being exuberant and mellow, alert and calm, vibrant and at peace. AND IT IS FUN! Happy people enjoy life more than miserable people: fact!
Dang, when I get really happy, nearly anything will entertain me, music makes me want to dance, the sky looks beautiful -- and I mean beautiful -- no matter what the weather or time of day, and no occurence large or small will get me down.
Not boring at all!
It's a feeling where adventures are possible -- and in fact everything becomes an adventure, even going to the grocery store! Even getting a glass of water. Even just sitting there and breathing.
Awesome!
Prerequisite of misery?
Do I need to have suffered in order to appreciate this? Good heavens I sure hope not! Two points:
1. Happiness is not a state of mind in which one is really comparing. It's a state of here-and-now. When you're happy, you're not moping over your past misfortunes -- that would be called "moping". Doesn't sound like a good time!
2. We've all suffered to some extent, though, haven't we? And we all also experience happiness, so I guess if there is a prerequisite then we've all already fulfilled it. So, who cares. Kids can be perfectly happy drawing treasure maps and then hiding treasures under the chair and then finding them again by using the map! Hooray! Do they need to have gone through trauma in order to enjoy these little adventures? I may be wrong, but I don't really think so. I'm not sure what makes adults so different, beyond being older.
I'm not 100% certain on this point, only 99% certain. But something about the assumption of a need for prior suffering sure troubles me.
Having suffered, I guess I've crossed whatever low bar there was and I don't care anymore. We've all crossed it, we've all crossed over, we're all in the door now. We are HERE. This is where happiness lives, and we are all present.
SO RAD!!
Let's relax into this joyful, quirky, strange, laughable, surprising life we have, and feel happy with the chance to experience it!
As if!
 |
| Let's go romp in the woods! |
When people ask what I want to do with my life, I often say that I have a goal of long-term happiness. Then without fail, unless the other person has explored some eastern concepts (like Buddhism or yoga), I will be informed that this is a silly goal because happiness is dull. And furthermore, that happiness cannot exist without sadness, by which to compare it and recognize that it is happiness.
Let's clear some stuff up!
Where is the bore?
What is boringness, dullness? This is when we aren't stimulated enough by what's already before us, so we want something else instead. It means we aren't satisfied with what's there. To me, it seems clear that this is the very definition of unhappiness, this dissatisfaction.
Therefore, to be happy, long-term happy, we would be in a non-boring situation. Otherwise we wouldn't be happy with what we have.
Hahaha, but this is the silly way of explaining things. It is logical and it is true, but really, it's too clinical.
Happiness is AWESOME! It's being exuberant and mellow, alert and calm, vibrant and at peace. AND IT IS FUN! Happy people enjoy life more than miserable people: fact!
Dang, when I get really happy, nearly anything will entertain me, music makes me want to dance, the sky looks beautiful -- and I mean beautiful -- no matter what the weather or time of day, and no occurence large or small will get me down.
Not boring at all!
It's a feeling where adventures are possible -- and in fact everything becomes an adventure, even going to the grocery store! Even getting a glass of water. Even just sitting there and breathing.
Awesome!
Prerequisite of misery?
Do I need to have suffered in order to appreciate this? Good heavens I sure hope not! Two points:
1. Happiness is not a state of mind in which one is really comparing. It's a state of here-and-now. When you're happy, you're not moping over your past misfortunes -- that would be called "moping". Doesn't sound like a good time!
2. We've all suffered to some extent, though, haven't we? And we all also experience happiness, so I guess if there is a prerequisite then we've all already fulfilled it. So, who cares. Kids can be perfectly happy drawing treasure maps and then hiding treasures under the chair and then finding them again by using the map! Hooray! Do they need to have gone through trauma in order to enjoy these little adventures? I may be wrong, but I don't really think so. I'm not sure what makes adults so different, beyond being older.
I'm not 100% certain on this point, only 99% certain. But something about the assumption of a need for prior suffering sure troubles me.
Having suffered, I guess I've crossed whatever low bar there was and I don't care anymore. We've all crossed it, we've all crossed over, we're all in the door now. We are HERE. This is where happiness lives, and we are all present.
SO RAD!!
Let's relax into this joyful, quirky, strange, laughable, surprising life we have, and feel happy with the chance to experience it!
Friday, January 28, 2011
open to change
They don't "follow" rules here. It's rather comofrting.
A week ago I put about everything I own into my car and moved up to Rhode Island, from North Carolina, stopping overnight in New Jersey at the delightful home of darling friend Katy.
Now I'm sitting at the kitchen table of my new home, with my new flatmate, in a new city, a new state, with a new bank, a new haircut, a new internship and experiencing a new culture.
They say that Rhode Island has a lot of corruption. That's probably an overstatement, but there is a laxity that seems to be threaded through everything. Rules aren't followed the same way here. Driving, for example, is a bargaining game. If there is only barely room for one car on the road (what with parked cars on both sides and severe snow banks), you negotiate who gets to go through the narrow spots first. Stop signs are a suggestion, but a suggestion even for the streets that don't face them. Signalling? Optional. Turning left on a red light? Ok now and then. There's a lot of casual finger waving from the steering wheel. None of it so far has been the least bit grumpy.
I got a new bank account today, and, after some 90 minutes of chitchat and paperwork, my Banking Representative® introduced me to the branch manager. He said to make sure I be aware of and take advantage of all the benefits of my new account. I asked about waiving fees for international money transfers, which wasn't listed. He looked down, thought about it, and said ok. He said if I find I have those fees, to talk to him and he'd get them reversed.
Of course, I had just opened a lot of interesting accounts with them, but still, it's this attitude.
I went to a full-service laundromat today with my bag of dirties, asking about their fluff-n-fold service. They told me the deal, and said it was a busy day so it wouldn't be ready til noon tomorrow.
"Ah, noon?" I asked, just to confirm.
"You want it a sooner time? We can do that if you need it a certain time in the morning?" The owners squinted at me congenially, proposing.
"Noon?" I countered.
"Yeah, noontime, we'll have it ready then."
Yes, these places want my business. Yes, they want to appear friendly and welcoming. But I get the impression at the coffee shops, on the phone with the guy who runs the parking lot I use, with the waitresses and the neighbours and the grocery store check-out clerks that there is a more flexible attitude here.
The banking rep lady even took me back behind the tellers, past the area with the safe, down into the staff-only basement, so I could use the small, strange ladies' room!
A year ago I think this would have driven me crazy.
Everything is sort of lax, slightly unpredictable, up for renegotiation. Where are the guarantees? The commitments? Will pedestrians retreat to the sidewalks or stay on the streets? Why didn't that car look before reversing right in front of me? Will I get kicked out if my flatmate's landlord finds out I'm subletting the spare bedroom? And all these promised favors, will they be retracted?
The truth is, of course, that nothing is ever guaranteed. We never really know what's going to happen next, to us or to others. Every single day things happen that remind me that I have no guarantees.
I actively look for these things. It's sort of a little inside joke I have with the universe. Every single day it proves to me that I am not in control by presenting to me something I couldn't have predicted.
I think sometimes in the back of our minds we assume that certain things are, well, certain. Almost as if we were in control of this place. Heck, I can't even fully control when I finally throw back the sheets and decide to climb out of bed instead of lazing about with my iPhone.
So, every day I keep an eye out for stuff that happens that demonstrates that I'm not in control. Stuff that sort of surprises me. Some religious types might call it "proof that God exists" or that S/He is running this place instead of me.
Some days it's a bizarre piece of litter on the sidewalk -- a child's sundress on a fence, clean and pressed, in the middle of winter. Other days it's an email from an unexpected source, or a strange sound filling the parking lot.
Sometimes it's the sudden absence of a familiar item or routine occurence.
We are always out of control, and frankly, it's pretty great.
Especially in a place like Rhode Island where it seems it's expected that there's going to be some of the unexpected. I'm going to try to relax, shrug, and wave my neighbor in the car next to me through the intersection.
 |
| My new haircut, Katy's new haircut |
A week ago I put about everything I own into my car and moved up to Rhode Island, from North Carolina, stopping overnight in New Jersey at the delightful home of darling friend Katy.
Now I'm sitting at the kitchen table of my new home, with my new flatmate, in a new city, a new state, with a new bank, a new haircut, a new internship and experiencing a new culture.
They say that Rhode Island has a lot of corruption. That's probably an overstatement, but there is a laxity that seems to be threaded through everything. Rules aren't followed the same way here. Driving, for example, is a bargaining game. If there is only barely room for one car on the road (what with parked cars on both sides and severe snow banks), you negotiate who gets to go through the narrow spots first. Stop signs are a suggestion, but a suggestion even for the streets that don't face them. Signalling? Optional. Turning left on a red light? Ok now and then. There's a lot of casual finger waving from the steering wheel. None of it so far has been the least bit grumpy.
I got a new bank account today, and, after some 90 minutes of chitchat and paperwork, my Banking Representative® introduced me to the branch manager. He said to make sure I be aware of and take advantage of all the benefits of my new account. I asked about waiving fees for international money transfers, which wasn't listed. He looked down, thought about it, and said ok. He said if I find I have those fees, to talk to him and he'd get them reversed.
Of course, I had just opened a lot of interesting accounts with them, but still, it's this attitude.
I went to a full-service laundromat today with my bag of dirties, asking about their fluff-n-fold service. They told me the deal, and said it was a busy day so it wouldn't be ready til noon tomorrow.
"Ah, noon?" I asked, just to confirm.
"You want it a sooner time? We can do that if you need it a certain time in the morning?" The owners squinted at me congenially, proposing.
"Noon?" I countered.
"Yeah, noontime, we'll have it ready then."
Yes, these places want my business. Yes, they want to appear friendly and welcoming. But I get the impression at the coffee shops, on the phone with the guy who runs the parking lot I use, with the waitresses and the neighbours and the grocery store check-out clerks that there is a more flexible attitude here.
The banking rep lady even took me back behind the tellers, past the area with the safe, down into the staff-only basement, so I could use the small, strange ladies' room!
A year ago I think this would have driven me crazy.
Everything is sort of lax, slightly unpredictable, up for renegotiation. Where are the guarantees? The commitments? Will pedestrians retreat to the sidewalks or stay on the streets? Why didn't that car look before reversing right in front of me? Will I get kicked out if my flatmate's landlord finds out I'm subletting the spare bedroom? And all these promised favors, will they be retracted?
The truth is, of course, that nothing is ever guaranteed. We never really know what's going to happen next, to us or to others. Every single day things happen that remind me that I have no guarantees.
I actively look for these things. It's sort of a little inside joke I have with the universe. Every single day it proves to me that I am not in control by presenting to me something I couldn't have predicted.
I think sometimes in the back of our minds we assume that certain things are, well, certain. Almost as if we were in control of this place. Heck, I can't even fully control when I finally throw back the sheets and decide to climb out of bed instead of lazing about with my iPhone.
So, every day I keep an eye out for stuff that happens that demonstrates that I'm not in control. Stuff that sort of surprises me. Some religious types might call it "proof that God exists" or that S/He is running this place instead of me.
Some days it's a bizarre piece of litter on the sidewalk -- a child's sundress on a fence, clean and pressed, in the middle of winter. Other days it's an email from an unexpected source, or a strange sound filling the parking lot.
Sometimes it's the sudden absence of a familiar item or routine occurence.
We are always out of control, and frankly, it's pretty great.
Especially in a place like Rhode Island where it seems it's expected that there's going to be some of the unexpected. I'm going to try to relax, shrug, and wave my neighbor in the car next to me through the intersection.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
1000 Awesome Things?
A friend recently suggested I submit something to 1000AwesomeThings.com.
I really like Neil. I saw his TED Talks video and found I really agree with his philosophy and was touched by his story.
But something about the website/concept doesn't sit that well with me. Some of the things are sort of selfish. Virtually all of them involve gratification. What I find inspiring is being able to take delight in things that Neil would probably NOT consider awesome.
Suppose you are having a really shitty day because a ton of dirty snow got in your car and you had to sit in it and your butt got all cold and wet, and etc etc. I'd love to see someone describe how THIS is still awesome. And I mean AWESOME.
Because ideally we'd be able to experience the world where everything was awesome, right? Not just the things we already think are cool, because that's easy. That's like just skipping to dessert and pronouncing cake to be where it's at. I say Brussles sprouts are just as tasty, even if they are a little burnt. ... Then sometimes I think (because clearly I have thought about this website quite a bit) that maybe I have to start relishing even the "good" things in life more, if I have such hang-ups over them / this website!
H ahaha, nah, I enjoy the shit out of life. :)
So, I decided to submit something not "obviously" awesome. Life cannot be a game of hopscotch, jumping from gratification to gratification. The entire experience of being alive can be blissful, and our preferences for the smell of coffee over the smell of boiled cabbage lead us to frown when we're over the stew pot.
My submission: "humdrum overcast days"
Those days that at first glance make you go "bleh" ... but they don't have to. One on such day in college a friend said he loved this sort of weather, and I thought, "Awesome!"
Ok, at first I thought, "Are you nuts?!" but then I realized that if I could enjoy overcast days as much as brilliant sunshine-y days, I'd be a much happier person.
So often we only seek out things we already consider pleasurable. In their absence we flounder, miserable, searching for the next whiff of coffee or perfect-nacho-off-someone-else's-plate. Not everything is immediately jubilant, but it doesn't mean we can't come to appreciate -- nay, REVEL -- in all the other details, too.
 |
| Even stinging cuts can be awesome. |
I really like Neil. I saw his TED Talks video and found I really agree with his philosophy and was touched by his story.
But something about the website/concept doesn't sit that well with me. Some of the things are sort of selfish. Virtually all of them involve gratification. What I find inspiring is being able to take delight in things that Neil would probably NOT consider awesome.
Suppose you are having a really shitty day because a ton of dirty snow got in your car and you had to sit in it and your butt got all cold and wet, and etc etc. I'd love to see someone describe how THIS is still awesome. And I mean AWESOME.
Because ideally we'd be able to experience the world where everything was awesome, right? Not just the things we already think are cool, because that's easy. That's like just skipping to dessert and pronouncing cake to be where it's at. I say Brussles sprouts are just as tasty, even if they are a little burnt. ... Then sometimes I think (because clearly I have thought about this website quite a bit) that maybe I have to start relishing even the "good" things in life more, if I have such hang-ups over them / this website!
H ahaha, nah, I enjoy the shit out of life. :)
So, I decided to submit something not "obviously" awesome. Life cannot be a game of hopscotch, jumping from gratification to gratification. The entire experience of being alive can be blissful, and our preferences for the smell of coffee over the smell of boiled cabbage lead us to frown when we're over the stew pot.
My submission: "humdrum overcast days"
Those days that at first glance make you go "bleh" ... but they don't have to. One on such day in college a friend said he loved this sort of weather, and I thought, "Awesome!"
Ok, at first I thought, "Are you nuts?!" but then I realized that if I could enjoy overcast days as much as brilliant sunshine-y days, I'd be a much happier person.
So often we only seek out things we already consider pleasurable. In their absence we flounder, miserable, searching for the next whiff of coffee or perfect-nacho-off-someone-else's-plate. Not everything is immediately jubilant, but it doesn't mean we can't come to appreciate -- nay, REVEL -- in all the other details, too.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
breaking bad habits
Maybe you have resolved to start, stop, or alter a habit in 2011. Sometimes it's stopping a habit that is the hardest, but if you can narrow down the exact moments when action is critical, the whole process is much easier. (You can modify these steps to form a new habit, too.)
NOTE: If you are dealing with a habit that involves addictive or illegal substances, or anything with physical withdrawal symptoms, you should also have a read through the book The Addiction Solution and follow its guide.
Ok so anyway, if you are just trying to stop obsessive thoughts over a love interest, or snacking in front of the TV, or playing computer games so much, stuff like that, here's a guide to reaching your goal sooner.
That's it!
Oh ho, if only we could all just do things so simply! Wouldn't that be great? Actually, with some practice you can definitely get better at this stuff. Let's look at these two parts separately.
Firmly decide that you want to break the habit
Each word here matters. It's a decision, a conscious decision. Imagine life with the habit, and life without the habit. Imagine a situation where you typically do the thing, and consider that one day you may instead not do it. Is this something you want?
Hmmmm... if you're like me, at this stage, even this stage, a little whisper of doubt creeps in and says, "Actually, I sort of like this bad habit for some reason." Well, tough. You need to decide this before you start. Make up your mind. Think about your long-term future, think about your ideal lifestyle, think about your best version of your Self. Still want to have the habit?
You need to want to change. This is when you do your research on what is good or bad, your soul-searching. Now, in your philosopher's armchair, not later when faced with the temptation itself. Some part of you wants to change. Focus on that part.
Decide firmly. And to break the habit, not merely put it aside for a while.
Not easy! But again: much MUCH easier now than when the thing is right in front of you.
I recommend taking 10 minutes right now on this. Set a timer so you don't "waste" any extra precious internet-surfing time (I know how it is...). For the first 5 minutes, just clear your mind. I have a meditation guide explaining what I mean by this, but maybe you have your own method. Then take 5 minutes and really focus on this decision. Take as much time as you need, but I find a timer helps me get started and focused.
Whenever you find yourself about to do the thing, remember that you decided not to do it.
So, if you normally come home and go straight to the bad-habit computer game, this means coming home and then remembering you were not going to go to the game anymore. And then not playing it.
What do you do instead? Saying yes is so much easier than saying no, so figure out beforehand that you will be saying yes to some other activity -- instead of thinking about this as saying no to the game. You can be saying yes to a better future, or you can be saying yes to watching youtube videos. It's going to be a lot easier to have prepared activities in mind, mostly things you generally enjoy doing.
Come up with a bunch of things you'll be saying yes to, both philosophical and concrete. Come up with a bunch of replacement activities, both fun things and productive ones.
And now, it's time to practice. You've already firmly decided you want to break this habit, remember. Remember this because you're about to face the toughest part of breaking the habit.
In reality, there are very few pivotal moments in this whole thing. It's the moments at which you decide to do the activity or not. Included in this is those moments where you realize you're doing the thing, and you either continue or you stop. These are the only moments you need to worry about, and the only ones you really need to prepare for. So the idea is to practice facing these moments when you're of solid mind and strong desire, so that when you face them in reality you'll be better off.
Take another 10 minute chunk of time. Again, spend the first 3-5 minutes just clearing your mind. It's going to be important to focus. For the remainder imagine a future situation in which you normally do the habit, and then imagine yourself not doing it (by doing something else instead). As often as necessary, go through the first exercise of re-affirming your desire to change this habit and all the reasons for doing so.
Again, this might be pretty tough! That slimy thought of "actually I don't mind this habit that much" may come back to strangle your will with its fat, greasy fingers. But keep deciding, and keep practicing, and brush those tempting hands away. Of course it's hard. You would have broken this habit long ago, otherwise. But it's easier to decide now during practice than during the real thing.
And so, next time you are actually faced with the decision, go through your plan. Reiterate to yourself the reasons for stopping, and recall your firm decision to stop. Then do a different activity instead of the habitual one.
Remember: just like how in practice you can fail and falter a few times and that's ok, the same thing goes for real life. Don't give up just because you didn't do it perfectly the first time. That's fine, it's all fine, everything is fine, just keep practicing and following through will be easier and easier!
Have you tried this and found it successful? Any tips to make it even more effective! Please leave a comment letting me know!
NOTE: If you are dealing with a habit that involves addictive or illegal substances, or anything with physical withdrawal symptoms, you should also have a read through the book The Addiction Solution and follow its guide.
Ok so anyway, if you are just trying to stop obsessive thoughts over a love interest, or snacking in front of the TV, or playing computer games so much, stuff like that, here's a guide to reaching your goal sooner.
- Firmly decide that you want to break the habit.
- Whenever you find yourself about to do the thing, remember that you decided not to do it.
That's it!
Oh ho, if only we could all just do things so simply! Wouldn't that be great? Actually, with some practice you can definitely get better at this stuff. Let's look at these two parts separately.
Firmly decide that you want to break the habit
Each word here matters. It's a decision, a conscious decision. Imagine life with the habit, and life without the habit. Imagine a situation where you typically do the thing, and consider that one day you may instead not do it. Is this something you want?
Hmmmm... if you're like me, at this stage, even this stage, a little whisper of doubt creeps in and says, "Actually, I sort of like this bad habit for some reason." Well, tough. You need to decide this before you start. Make up your mind. Think about your long-term future, think about your ideal lifestyle, think about your best version of your Self. Still want to have the habit?
You need to want to change. This is when you do your research on what is good or bad, your soul-searching. Now, in your philosopher's armchair, not later when faced with the temptation itself. Some part of you wants to change. Focus on that part.
Decide firmly. And to break the habit, not merely put it aside for a while.
Not easy! But again: much MUCH easier now than when the thing is right in front of you.
I recommend taking 10 minutes right now on this. Set a timer so you don't "waste" any extra precious internet-surfing time (I know how it is...). For the first 5 minutes, just clear your mind. I have a meditation guide explaining what I mean by this, but maybe you have your own method. Then take 5 minutes and really focus on this decision. Take as much time as you need, but I find a timer helps me get started and focused.
Whenever you find yourself about to do the thing, remember that you decided not to do it.
So, if you normally come home and go straight to the bad-habit computer game, this means coming home and then remembering you were not going to go to the game anymore. And then not playing it.
What do you do instead? Saying yes is so much easier than saying no, so figure out beforehand that you will be saying yes to some other activity -- instead of thinking about this as saying no to the game. You can be saying yes to a better future, or you can be saying yes to watching youtube videos. It's going to be a lot easier to have prepared activities in mind, mostly things you generally enjoy doing.
Come up with a bunch of things you'll be saying yes to, both philosophical and concrete. Come up with a bunch of replacement activities, both fun things and productive ones.
And now, it's time to practice. You've already firmly decided you want to break this habit, remember. Remember this because you're about to face the toughest part of breaking the habit.
In reality, there are very few pivotal moments in this whole thing. It's the moments at which you decide to do the activity or not. Included in this is those moments where you realize you're doing the thing, and you either continue or you stop. These are the only moments you need to worry about, and the only ones you really need to prepare for. So the idea is to practice facing these moments when you're of solid mind and strong desire, so that when you face them in reality you'll be better off.
Take another 10 minute chunk of time. Again, spend the first 3-5 minutes just clearing your mind. It's going to be important to focus. For the remainder imagine a future situation in which you normally do the habit, and then imagine yourself not doing it (by doing something else instead). As often as necessary, go through the first exercise of re-affirming your desire to change this habit and all the reasons for doing so.
Again, this might be pretty tough! That slimy thought of "actually I don't mind this habit that much" may come back to strangle your will with its fat, greasy fingers. But keep deciding, and keep practicing, and brush those tempting hands away. Of course it's hard. You would have broken this habit long ago, otherwise. But it's easier to decide now during practice than during the real thing.
And so, next time you are actually faced with the decision, go through your plan. Reiterate to yourself the reasons for stopping, and recall your firm decision to stop. Then do a different activity instead of the habitual one.
Remember: just like how in practice you can fail and falter a few times and that's ok, the same thing goes for real life. Don't give up just because you didn't do it perfectly the first time. That's fine, it's all fine, everything is fine, just keep practicing and following through will be easier and easier!
Have you tried this and found it successful? Any tips to make it even more effective! Please leave a comment letting me know!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
who do you think you are?
We label ourselves a lot. I say the less, the better.
Labels are a way of having expectations for ourselves. "I'm the music guy," we say to ourselves. "I'm someone who dislikes carrot cake." "I'm bad at learning math." Well, what's really the point of having these phrases and labels?
Do they foster your identity -- locking you into a position you may later regret? Do they make you feel special? Do they give you an excuse for not trying, a sense of vindication when they are "proved" correct, a crutch for connecting with other people?
Let's look at each of the examples above.
"I'm the music guy."
This is a classic way to build an expectation in yourself. Maybe at one stage in life you were really good at playing or writing music, and you built part of your sense of self around this. It's great to recognize your strengths and to pursue them as you contribute to this wonderful world we're in, but it can also be a trap. What if one day you are not that good at music anymore, or you find someone much better than you? Any other aspects of yourself will probably seem pretty useless then, in your moment of dejection. Were you just a fake this whole time? Will you ever regain your place in the world?
Too bad you didn't cultivate a larger sense of self that allows for failing, for not being awesome at music! Hahaha, ok, this is a little extreme, but we all know people who get very legitimately worked up and brought down over finding themselves bereft of their "identity".
You are the only one who gets to determine how you identify yourself. Wouldn't you rather optimize this, so that you are just as happy being awesome at music as being not?
None of us are always going to be the best at any one thing.
This is not to say we should avoid pursuing greatness, hahaha, no no! We should definitely try our best, but let's play music well for the sake of playing music well, not to feel vindicated and justified for claiming ourselves to be superior to some other group of people. Hahaha, think of all those famous musicians who had the aim of playing good music, not of being the best musician.
Play music because it feels good, play music as a gift to your listeners. Don't play music so that you can breathe a sigh of relief because you are still probably "the music guy".
Hahaha, just a thought!
"I'm someone who dislikes carrot cake."
Alright, fine, the times you tried it you didn't like it as much as chocolate cake. But, well, we've all read Green Eggs and Ham, right? Give it another shot. And even if you still don't adore it, just experience what it is like to be eating it. Isn't that what you do when you eat chocolate cake, you just get really into the moment of consumption?
What is the point of disliking something (something non-harmful, at least)? What good does it do you or anyone else for you to be set in your mind that you will have a negative experience, a bad time, if you are made to eat a slice of carrot cake? All it does is make you grumpy when it happens. Why on earth make yourself grumpy??
I understand that most people have a lot of preferences. Given perfect freedom, you'd always enjoy the chocolate more than the carrot. But how do you KNOW that this is always true? And what does it gain you?
I used to not see the point of vanilla ice cream. Seriously, it's the base flavour of nearly every dessert, so it's like eating "blank" ice cream. But you know what, vanilla is an available flavour nearly everywhere. That many people can't all be wrong, right? Also, I don't want to be one of those old people who never stopped being 3 when it comes to food preferences. So now when faced with myriad ice creams, sometimes I'll get vanilla just to mix it up. Why not! I can savour it as much as the Turtle Fudge Sundae flavour, and it's my own fault if I fail to really get into it.
BONUS: if you're really good at avoiding the temptation of preferences, think how much easier life is when people decide on cake flavours for you? Or on other less-trivial things? Suddenly now you are able to just keep your peaceful, giggling mood, and not get upset or even just miffed that it's not precisely how you would have arranged things.
And maybe you'll realize that you don't even mind carrot cake so much anymore, and even sort of enjoy it.
"I'm bad at learning math."
This one might be trickier to spot, and has variations like, "I'll never be good at calculus." Well, not with that attitude! Sure, some things come more quickly than others, and it's great to recognize in what areas you'll need to put more effort.
But there's basically no point in convincing yourself that you're going to be bad at something. Like the inverse, where you pride yourself on your accomplishments, this is a way of defining your core identity that can be self-reinforcing and lead to expectations.
It's not part of the path to happiness. It won't really motivate you to try harder, it won't make you feel at ease when you go to math class, it won't set you up for breaking out of any future periods of difficulty.
Ok, it's great to be modest and humble, to express freely your weaknesses and sympathize with others who don't pick up math like a thief picking up your dropped wallet. But no need to lock yourself in to a self-defeating mindset! If you need to work a little harder, then work a little harder. That's all. Believe in yourself.
I have no way of defining myself now. Thanks.
That's kind of the goal, but not everyone will be completely comfortable with the notion.
There is no need to have a set identity. Nothing about us remains the same, over time, anyway. Emotions only last a few seconds, we change our minds all the time, our politics change as we age and experience the world, our health and finances affect our perceptions, a good exam grade or positive feedback from the boss can make a "lost cause" to seem beyond manageable.
So, if all of this is going to change anyway, why bother labelling yoursef when it will probably lead to disappointments and grumpiness? We connect to others best when we don't have cake-preferences and skillset views distracting us from really hearing and feeling what the other person is saying. Just laugh it off, and when people shake their heads and condescend with "You've changed," just shrug.
"We're always changing."
--------
Follow-up reading: is there some part of us that doesn't change? One wise man's perspective.
Labels are a way of having expectations for ourselves. "I'm the music guy," we say to ourselves. "I'm someone who dislikes carrot cake." "I'm bad at learning math." Well, what's really the point of having these phrases and labels?
Do they foster your identity -- locking you into a position you may later regret? Do they make you feel special? Do they give you an excuse for not trying, a sense of vindication when they are "proved" correct, a crutch for connecting with other people?
Let's look at each of the examples above.
"I'm the music guy."
This is a classic way to build an expectation in yourself. Maybe at one stage in life you were really good at playing or writing music, and you built part of your sense of self around this. It's great to recognize your strengths and to pursue them as you contribute to this wonderful world we're in, but it can also be a trap. What if one day you are not that good at music anymore, or you find someone much better than you? Any other aspects of yourself will probably seem pretty useless then, in your moment of dejection. Were you just a fake this whole time? Will you ever regain your place in the world?
Too bad you didn't cultivate a larger sense of self that allows for failing, for not being awesome at music! Hahaha, ok, this is a little extreme, but we all know people who get very legitimately worked up and brought down over finding themselves bereft of their "identity".
You are the only one who gets to determine how you identify yourself. Wouldn't you rather optimize this, so that you are just as happy being awesome at music as being not?
None of us are always going to be the best at any one thing.
This is not to say we should avoid pursuing greatness, hahaha, no no! We should definitely try our best, but let's play music well for the sake of playing music well, not to feel vindicated and justified for claiming ourselves to be superior to some other group of people. Hahaha, think of all those famous musicians who had the aim of playing good music, not of being the best musician.
Play music because it feels good, play music as a gift to your listeners. Don't play music so that you can breathe a sigh of relief because you are still probably "the music guy".
Hahaha, just a thought!
"I'm someone who dislikes carrot cake."
Alright, fine, the times you tried it you didn't like it as much as chocolate cake. But, well, we've all read Green Eggs and Ham, right? Give it another shot. And even if you still don't adore it, just experience what it is like to be eating it. Isn't that what you do when you eat chocolate cake, you just get really into the moment of consumption?
What is the point of disliking something (something non-harmful, at least)? What good does it do you or anyone else for you to be set in your mind that you will have a negative experience, a bad time, if you are made to eat a slice of carrot cake? All it does is make you grumpy when it happens. Why on earth make yourself grumpy??
I understand that most people have a lot of preferences. Given perfect freedom, you'd always enjoy the chocolate more than the carrot. But how do you KNOW that this is always true? And what does it gain you?
I used to not see the point of vanilla ice cream. Seriously, it's the base flavour of nearly every dessert, so it's like eating "blank" ice cream. But you know what, vanilla is an available flavour nearly everywhere. That many people can't all be wrong, right? Also, I don't want to be one of those old people who never stopped being 3 when it comes to food preferences. So now when faced with myriad ice creams, sometimes I'll get vanilla just to mix it up. Why not! I can savour it as much as the Turtle Fudge Sundae flavour, and it's my own fault if I fail to really get into it.
BONUS: if you're really good at avoiding the temptation of preferences, think how much easier life is when people decide on cake flavours for you? Or on other less-trivial things? Suddenly now you are able to just keep your peaceful, giggling mood, and not get upset or even just miffed that it's not precisely how you would have arranged things.
And maybe you'll realize that you don't even mind carrot cake so much anymore, and even sort of enjoy it.
"I'm bad at learning math."
This one might be trickier to spot, and has variations like, "I'll never be good at calculus." Well, not with that attitude! Sure, some things come more quickly than others, and it's great to recognize in what areas you'll need to put more effort.
But there's basically no point in convincing yourself that you're going to be bad at something. Like the inverse, where you pride yourself on your accomplishments, this is a way of defining your core identity that can be self-reinforcing and lead to expectations.
It's not part of the path to happiness. It won't really motivate you to try harder, it won't make you feel at ease when you go to math class, it won't set you up for breaking out of any future periods of difficulty.
Ok, it's great to be modest and humble, to express freely your weaknesses and sympathize with others who don't pick up math like a thief picking up your dropped wallet. But no need to lock yourself in to a self-defeating mindset! If you need to work a little harder, then work a little harder. That's all. Believe in yourself.
I have no way of defining myself now. Thanks.
That's kind of the goal, but not everyone will be completely comfortable with the notion.
There is no need to have a set identity. Nothing about us remains the same, over time, anyway. Emotions only last a few seconds, we change our minds all the time, our politics change as we age and experience the world, our health and finances affect our perceptions, a good exam grade or positive feedback from the boss can make a "lost cause" to seem beyond manageable.
So, if all of this is going to change anyway, why bother labelling yoursef when it will probably lead to disappointments and grumpiness? We connect to others best when we don't have cake-preferences and skillset views distracting us from really hearing and feeling what the other person is saying. Just laugh it off, and when people shake their heads and condescend with "You've changed," just shrug.
"We're always changing."
--------
Follow-up reading: is there some part of us that doesn't change? One wise man's perspective.
Friday, November 19, 2010
are you special?
People all want to fit in, want to be respected and loved by the world for who they are, accepted. It feels great to be part of a community, to work together towards a common goal and participate alongside others. I like to think of it as us all being individual cells in a common, larger body -- I'm sure other people have found similar metaphors. Except maybe it's not even a metaphor at all, but how reality works!
The ego (in the Buddhist sense, not the Freudian sense) has a different aim; the ego wants us to be special, set apart, unique. To be (or at least be seen as) the most _____, the worst _____, the best _____, having the most extreme experiences -- and deserving extra attention for it. But setting oneself apart doesn't actually lead to long-term happiness. Instead it is a path leading only to isolation and that deep-seated agony because "no one understands you".
The drive to be special, to be separate, is a drive we all have to acknoledge and then ignore. Sure, for the greater good we can strive to be the best at, say, solving global warming or something, but the point should be solving the problem, not in happening to be #1 at it.
We like to think our experiences are pretty special. Why else would we get to experience them? Things are pretty intense, after all! Well, sure. And it's great to be so in the moment that what might otherwise be mundane feels fully profound. Being alive is supposed to be awesome and intense, even when just pouring milk over your cereal! But should this entitle you to extra attention or whatnot?
The short-term vindication of having your uniqueness acknowledged tends quickly to become both a craving for more of the same and a disorientation from the resulting separation from the rest of the community.
Hahaha, ok, this probably seems petty when talking about things like how you managed to blow out ALL your birthday candles on the first exhalation. I'll cut to the chase.
I too like to think I am a bit special. I am synaesthetic, so I hear my sense of touch, and see tastes and smells, etc. It's pretty cool I guess, took a while growing up before I realized how much this differs from the ordinary experience. Also, I'm smart (doing really well at school and scoring really well on those tests), I sometimes can do creative things kinda well, etc. And just this past week the doctors are saying I'm almost certainly epileptic.
I guess that makes me special!
But to get lost in the chatter of my mind, parading in the glow of self-congratulatory affirmation of how, fuck yes, I am pretty darn special, different from all those other people in substantial ways, etc., well, that doesn't do me any good. Not to say someone with amazing composition abilities should suddenly stop writing music just to blend in with the crowd. No, no, use your talents and skills and uniqueness to contribute to this place as best you can! Just don't except special treatment or let it get to your head.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: despite spending most of our teenage years looking for ways to set ourselves apart, it's a duty to ourselves, our sanity and our society to nod kindly to the ego, give it a head pat, and tuck it aside. It doesn't get you anywhere. Do your best, don't require or seek out recognition, and see that it's actually pretty great to reclaim your spot alongside everyone else as an Awesome Human.
The ego (in the Buddhist sense, not the Freudian sense) has a different aim; the ego wants us to be special, set apart, unique. To be (or at least be seen as) the most _____, the worst _____, the best _____, having the most extreme experiences -- and deserving extra attention for it. But setting oneself apart doesn't actually lead to long-term happiness. Instead it is a path leading only to isolation and that deep-seated agony because "no one understands you".
The drive to be special, to be separate, is a drive we all have to acknoledge and then ignore. Sure, for the greater good we can strive to be the best at, say, solving global warming or something, but the point should be solving the problem, not in happening to be #1 at it.
We like to think our experiences are pretty special. Why else would we get to experience them? Things are pretty intense, after all! Well, sure. And it's great to be so in the moment that what might otherwise be mundane feels fully profound. Being alive is supposed to be awesome and intense, even when just pouring milk over your cereal! But should this entitle you to extra attention or whatnot?
The short-term vindication of having your uniqueness acknowledged tends quickly to become both a craving for more of the same and a disorientation from the resulting separation from the rest of the community.
Hahaha, ok, this probably seems petty when talking about things like how you managed to blow out ALL your birthday candles on the first exhalation. I'll cut to the chase.
I too like to think I am a bit special. I am synaesthetic, so I hear my sense of touch, and see tastes and smells, etc. It's pretty cool I guess, took a while growing up before I realized how much this differs from the ordinary experience. Also, I'm smart (doing really well at school and scoring really well on those tests), I sometimes can do creative things kinda well, etc. And just this past week the doctors are saying I'm almost certainly epileptic.
I guess that makes me special!
But to get lost in the chatter of my mind, parading in the glow of self-congratulatory affirmation of how, fuck yes, I am pretty darn special, different from all those other people in substantial ways, etc., well, that doesn't do me any good. Not to say someone with amazing composition abilities should suddenly stop writing music just to blend in with the crowd. No, no, use your talents and skills and uniqueness to contribute to this place as best you can! Just don't except special treatment or let it get to your head.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: despite spending most of our teenage years looking for ways to set ourselves apart, it's a duty to ourselves, our sanity and our society to nod kindly to the ego, give it a head pat, and tuck it aside. It doesn't get you anywhere. Do your best, don't require or seek out recognition, and see that it's actually pretty great to reclaim your spot alongside everyone else as an Awesome Human.
Monday, November 15, 2010
stitching
Have you heard of Rosey Grier? No? Don't google him; I've made a fact sheet with all you really need to know:
Sunday, October 31, 2010
secret to always having fun at parties
Two nights ago was the law school's Hallowe'en party, and last night's was for the Nicholas School of the Environment. Let's compare a bit.
Fantastic!
So how to have a great time at parties? Even at the Nic party, where I knew next to nobody, I had a BLAST!
- Law: Set at a proper club with legitimate bouncers, people checking IDs at the door, multiple bartenders, excellent sound system. Nic: Set in a forest maintenance shed off a gravel road off a little-used long driveway, some chick taking tickets/cash on the gravel road, open kegs and bags of wine floating about (people bringing their own mugs or glass jars), a low-key DJ.
- Law: 65% men. Nic: 80% women.
- Law: students only. Nic: a prof showed up with a bottle of Jack as part of his costume -- he apparently stayed all the way til 2am.
- Law: proper bathrooms at the facility. Nic: one porta-potty ("it's actually clean and fully stocked with toilet paper!") but most people just went in the woods or around the back of the maintenance shed.
- Law: I already knew virtually everyone there. Nic: I had only previously met 5 of the attendees.
Fantastic!
So how to have a great time at parties? Even at the Nic party, where I knew next to nobody, I had a BLAST!
- I had decided in advance that I was going to be in a great, happy, indefatigable mood.
- I didn't care what people thought of me when I was mingling with strangers who didn't particularly welcome me into their little dance circles. That's cool!
- I laughed ALL THE TIME, just a fun, why-not laugh, head thrown back in glee!
- If I saw someone in a great costume or just really well-dressed or good looking (men and women) I'd say so! I'd walk right up and say "you look aMAZing!" and make happy eye-contact and laugh and prance!
- I didn't talk to anyone for too long in a row, always just flitting around and coming back and bouncing off and laughing back.
- If someone invited me to dance in a different corner, or go get a drink just then, or step to a quieter part of the place, etc, I said yes! People love it when you take them up on offers!
Saturday, September 25, 2010
beautiful life!
An earlier internet influence/happiness guru of mine, the fabulous Davey Wavey, writes about finding beauty in every moment, every activity, every view his eyes take in. Even things like disabused garbage cans and cloudy, thirsty Sunday afternoons. (Davey also talks about loving everyone -- most importantly yourself, being in the moment, and gay rights. Check him out!)
My drive to school is super beautiful. This is apparent even without putting on Buddhist glasses, but I try to appreciate it every time. It is about a 10-minute drive, 8 of which are through a magnificent Carolinian forest. Pictures fail to caputre its majesty:
Or another example: a cicada decided to come to our back porch and lay to rest one last time.
My dear friends Mac and Rocio from the last post host weekly Shabbat dinners on Fridays. Well, it's mostly Mac, who cooks a hearty, simple feast for whoever decides to join. Elijah gets a spot at the table as well. :D Mac told me just today that he only started cooking last summer! Phenomenal. He is also a singer/songwriter and plays a mean guitar. (You can just sort of see him behind Michael and Rocio on the left.)
I have only been able to make it to the one dinner so far, but it lasted from 7:30 til 5am (including 6-hour dance party). So generous of Mac! We provide the wine and the company (and the hungry tummies) and he does the rest, complete with traditional Jewish chanting, candle-lighting, bread-breaking and toasting! Beautiful.
But that was weeks ago, actually. And last week was our big house party! It didn't stop Katie and me from partying up the night before, though. We went to an S-themed party with people from her part of Duke (biomedical engineering PhDs). Katie wanted a group of us to go as skittles. She's in yellow, and I'm of course the one in red.
A dear friend on facebook saw another photo in this series and made a joke about "tasting the rainbow". Hahaha, very clever, CS.
Ok ok, then, after like 2 weeks of planning and 10 days of running all over town buying spirits, beer, wine, food, paper towels, etc, we had our party!!! The final facebook count said 88 yeses and a bunch more maybes. I estimate 100-120 visitors came to rock out:
It was all rather beautiful!
My drive to school is super beautiful. This is apparent even without putting on Buddhist glasses, but I try to appreciate it every time. It is about a 10-minute drive, 8 of which are through a magnificent Carolinian forest. Pictures fail to caputre its majesty:
Or another example: a cicada decided to come to our back porch and lay to rest one last time.
My dear friends Mac and Rocio from the last post host weekly Shabbat dinners on Fridays. Well, it's mostly Mac, who cooks a hearty, simple feast for whoever decides to join. Elijah gets a spot at the table as well. :D Mac told me just today that he only started cooking last summer! Phenomenal. He is also a singer/songwriter and plays a mean guitar. (You can just sort of see him behind Michael and Rocio on the left.)
I have only been able to make it to the one dinner so far, but it lasted from 7:30 til 5am (including 6-hour dance party). So generous of Mac! We provide the wine and the company (and the hungry tummies) and he does the rest, complete with traditional Jewish chanting, candle-lighting, bread-breaking and toasting! Beautiful.
But that was weeks ago, actually. And last week was our big house party! It didn't stop Katie and me from partying up the night before, though. We went to an S-themed party with people from her part of Duke (biomedical engineering PhDs). Katie wanted a group of us to go as skittles. She's in yellow, and I'm of course the one in red.
A dear friend on facebook saw another photo in this series and made a joke about "tasting the rainbow". Hahaha, very clever, CS.
Ok ok, then, after like 2 weeks of planning and 10 days of running all over town buying spirits, beer, wine, food, paper towels, etc, we had our party!!! The final facebook count said 88 yeses and a bunch more maybes. I estimate 100-120 visitors came to rock out:
It was all rather beautiful!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Experiment I: practicing happiness -- UPDATE
Here's a progress report. I made it through the first two days ok... though I fell alseep both times. I'd decided to start with a 5-minute mindfulness session first, to warm up, and then go for happiness.
It was fine, I suppose, but I wasn't as dedicated as I hoped. I had no routine, being in law school orientation and newly moved in, etc.
Then a whole week passed during which I felt guilty about not meditating, instead of actually doing it. Whoops!
Rather than have a sitting-time deficit intimidating me from ever finishing, I've decided to just start over, and this time I have a little routine going, both for it and in general. I also have a proper chair in my room so that I can sit up straight (instead of sitting poorly on a bed and within moments just lying down).
I find the feeling almost overwhelming, during the meditation. So wonderful! I'll detail my methods a bit later when I feel more prepared to explain them. The carry-over affect has been more subtle than it was when I started, say, mindfulness training, and it's coming through in slightly-unexpected ways.
I'll update again in another week or so.
It was fine, I suppose, but I wasn't as dedicated as I hoped. I had no routine, being in law school orientation and newly moved in, etc.
Then a whole week passed during which I felt guilty about not meditating, instead of actually doing it. Whoops!
Rather than have a sitting-time deficit intimidating me from ever finishing, I've decided to just start over, and this time I have a little routine going, both for it and in general. I also have a proper chair in my room so that I can sit up straight (instead of sitting poorly on a bed and within moments just lying down).
I find the feeling almost overwhelming, during the meditation. So wonderful! I'll detail my methods a bit later when I feel more prepared to explain them. The carry-over affect has been more subtle than it was when I started, say, mindfulness training, and it's coming through in slightly-unexpected ways.
I'll update again in another week or so.
STILL my bday!
Yesterday at Duke's Convocation (read: free booze party), a friend who couldn't make the big party last week wished me happy birthday, and proclaimed that this entire week is still to be considered my birthday.
This might be the longest bday fest yet! Looking at 23 days if we count her proclamation!
This might be the longest bday fest yet! Looking at 23 days if we count her proclamation!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Experiment I: practicing happiness
A year or two ago I realized that I had actually figured out how to be happy. Like, how to go from blasé or even just plain grumpy to a place of downright satisfaction.
The answer, of course, is not through some sort of temporary cravings appeasement or gratification.
The thing is, I only rarely get around to making myself happy like this! Sort of dumb, really. So I'm going to do an experiment, along the lines of an online inspiration of mine, and try to track some of the progress and results here. (tIC does this well, too!)
The Experiment
Every day for the next 30 days I will take at least 10 minutes to practice a form of meditation that we'll call "happiness meditation". Just practicing being content and satisfied! If I miss a day, I'll make it up the next day.
I've found with other meditation that there is a significant flow-on effect, whereby whatever I was practicing while sitting continues to occur over the next several hours. Part is that training the mind during meditation actually works (hence "practice") and part is that I tend to meditate in little 5 or 30 or 60 second intervals even when I don't "have to", if I have been meditating a lot during that general period.
So hopefully I'll be happier overall, as well as occasionally finding myself slipping into bonus meditative periods.
The answer, of course, is not through some sort of temporary cravings appeasement or gratification.
The thing is, I only rarely get around to making myself happy like this! Sort of dumb, really. So I'm going to do an experiment, along the lines of an online inspiration of mine, and try to track some of the progress and results here. (tIC does this well, too!)
The Experiment
Every day for the next 30 days I will take at least 10 minutes to practice a form of meditation that we'll call "happiness meditation". Just practicing being content and satisfied! If I miss a day, I'll make it up the next day.
I've found with other meditation that there is a significant flow-on effect, whereby whatever I was practicing while sitting continues to occur over the next several hours. Part is that training the mind during meditation actually works (hence "practice") and part is that I tend to meditate in little 5 or 30 or 60 second intervals even when I don't "have to", if I have been meditating a lot during that general period.
So hopefully I'll be happier overall, as well as occasionally finding myself slipping into bonus meditative periods.
Friday, August 13, 2010
presence: the bday "present" (har har)
Well, dear faithful blog reader(s), let's continue our story. I'm typing this on the road, having driven about 10 of the 16 wheelhours required to move to Duke University for my last semester of law school!
Actually, let me tell you about where I'm staying tonight, because it's pretty awesome. I don't mind long solitary car trips that much at all, except that sometimes I get stiff sitting in more or less the same position for hours and hours and hours. But the scenery is gorgeous, and it's excellent thinking time.
Often I write up a little list of topics to ponder, giving each maybe half an hour. Music off, mind-chatter still, just a nice calm driving meditation.
I wasn't going to make the whole way today, so I decided I'd stay the night at a place sure to be especially gorgeous: West Virginia. Somewhere in central Indiana (a state that took A LONG TIME to drive through) I stopped here
and took a moment to select my lodgings for ce soir. I wanted a motel, just off the freeway somewhere in WV, cheap. Not much is cheaper than the Red Roof Inn. $59.99 for a non-smoking room sounded great.
Then my iphone wigged out on me and I could NOT for the life of me find the place. First I went to the wrong part of Huntington, and really really really had to pee but was instead standing around a parking lot right by the river hearing Travis Tritt in live concert, echoing into the warm August evening hills.
I nearly died several times finding the actual location, so many surprise red lights and sharp turns and piled up traffic! But you know it's going to be good when it feels like a magical trek to get somewhere.
Now, I don't know about you, but when I think "$60/night motel" and "Red Roof Inn" and so on, I don't think "comfort" or "quality". More along the lines of "hopefully serviceable". But let me tell you, there is just so much RIGHT about this place!
First, the guy at the front counter, having fielded some half dozen increasingly-angsty calls patiently confirming the establishment's location, was beaming like an angel when I arrived. Chubby-cheeked Russ, he's a legend. I have never seen so many pearly teeth all smiling steady. Excellent! Happy people!
Courteous people!
Well, the room is massive. Two double beds! And they are very comfy. I'm pretty fucking hardcore as you obviously know, and the first thing I did once I got settled here was do a 90-minute yoga session. Because you know what? This place not only has two beds, a pleather armchair, a desk, drawers and a safe, but it also has PLENTY of room for yoga.
I even could do headstand practice right there, without having to squish or turn to go against a bed or something!
Ok so that was great. Then I needed a shower. Sometimes you sort of resist going into the WC in cheap hotels, fearful of what you might find if you turn on all the lights. This bathroom is small, sure, but NEAT! Floorboards (probably plastic but they look real)!!! And one of those convex shower curtain bars that makes the shower so much more spacious! The soap smelled so good -- SO GOOD -- that I broke off a small piece to use and saved the rest for myself for another day. That's fucking RARE.
Next, the area was so clean that I actually took a bath. I took a goddamn bath in the cheap-ass motel bathroom, and it felt GREAT. Happy bday, self!!! <3 style="font-style: italic;">tasteful decor? (Given the circumstances...)
Maybe I'm delirious from driving so much, and maybe I contracted some sort of fungus or pathogen in the tub and my car is being robbed as I type, but I gotta say that this place is pretty fucking rad.
(Oh, and free wifi, need I even mention!)
A+, Would Lodge Again.
I'll get back to the frozen eggs and so on next time. Maybe. I dunno, ok here I'll just cut to the chase. Frozen eggs (still delicious -- his fridge was on the fritz):
Mushroom hunting with Chuk's quasi-gf:
(They're called "chicken of the woods" and their texture and taste are both IDENTICAL to those of chicken. We had some with dinner.)
...
This post was pretty indulgent, but I guess that's what you need to be expecting during the Birthday Festival: indulgence.
Stay tuned, and try not to get any (more) neck tattoos in the meantime.
Actually, let me tell you about where I'm staying tonight, because it's pretty awesome. I don't mind long solitary car trips that much at all, except that sometimes I get stiff sitting in more or less the same position for hours and hours and hours. But the scenery is gorgeous, and it's excellent thinking time.
Often I write up a little list of topics to ponder, giving each maybe half an hour. Music off, mind-chatter still, just a nice calm driving meditation.
I wasn't going to make the whole way today, so I decided I'd stay the night at a place sure to be especially gorgeous: West Virginia. Somewhere in central Indiana (a state that took A LONG TIME to drive through) I stopped here
and took a moment to select my lodgings for ce soir. I wanted a motel, just off the freeway somewhere in WV, cheap. Not much is cheaper than the Red Roof Inn. $59.99 for a non-smoking room sounded great.
Then my iphone wigged out on me and I could NOT for the life of me find the place. First I went to the wrong part of Huntington, and really really really had to pee but was instead standing around a parking lot right by the river hearing Travis Tritt in live concert, echoing into the warm August evening hills.
I nearly died several times finding the actual location, so many surprise red lights and sharp turns and piled up traffic! But you know it's going to be good when it feels like a magical trek to get somewhere.
Now, I don't know about you, but when I think "$60/night motel" and "Red Roof Inn" and so on, I don't think "comfort" or "quality". More along the lines of "hopefully serviceable". But let me tell you, there is just so much RIGHT about this place!
First, the guy at the front counter, having fielded some half dozen increasingly-angsty calls patiently confirming the establishment's location, was beaming like an angel when I arrived. Chubby-cheeked Russ, he's a legend. I have never seen so many pearly teeth all smiling steady. Excellent! Happy people!
Courteous people!
Well, the room is massive. Two double beds! And they are very comfy. I'm pretty fucking hardcore as you obviously know, and the first thing I did once I got settled here was do a 90-minute yoga session. Because you know what? This place not only has two beds, a pleather armchair, a desk, drawers and a safe, but it also has PLENTY of room for yoga.
I even could do headstand practice right there, without having to squish or turn to go against a bed or something!
Ok so that was great. Then I needed a shower. Sometimes you sort of resist going into the WC in cheap hotels, fearful of what you might find if you turn on all the lights. This bathroom is small, sure, but NEAT! Floorboards (probably plastic but they look real)!!! And one of those convex shower curtain bars that makes the shower so much more spacious! The soap smelled so good -- SO GOOD -- that I broke off a small piece to use and saved the rest for myself for another day. That's fucking RARE.
Next, the area was so clean that I actually took a bath. I took a goddamn bath in the cheap-ass motel bathroom, and it felt GREAT. Happy bday, self!!! <3 style="font-style: italic;">tasteful decor? (Given the circumstances...)
Maybe I'm delirious from driving so much, and maybe I contracted some sort of fungus or pathogen in the tub and my car is being robbed as I type, but I gotta say that this place is pretty fucking rad.
(Oh, and free wifi, need I even mention!)
A+, Would Lodge Again.
I'll get back to the frozen eggs and so on next time. Maybe. I dunno, ok here I'll just cut to the chase. Frozen eggs (still delicious -- his fridge was on the fritz):
Mushroom hunting with Chuk's quasi-gf:
(They're called "chicken of the woods" and their texture and taste are both IDENTICAL to those of chicken. We had some with dinner.)
...
This post was pretty indulgent, but I guess that's what you need to be expecting during the Birthday Festival: indulgence.
Stay tuned, and try not to get any (more) neck tattoos in the meantime.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
birthday festival without any packaging
If you're following my twitter, you've been flooded with self-congratulating tweets about all the awesomeness I've been experiencing for my birthday already. My actual bday isn't until the 14th (MARK YOUR CAL NOW, I'LL WAIT, GO DO IT) but as I learned in Australia, it's important to drag these things out from a one-day holiday into a multi-week festival.
Travelling a lot makes this pretty easy.
And as I learned from my estranged-but-still-lovely husband, it's appropriate to give oneself a bday gift as well.
The problem is that I don't like physical items. I have way too much stuff, too many clothes and toiletries and knicknacks and art supplies and decorations and yoga accessories and books and technology items and whatever. Or maybe it's that I have a normal amount but I just dislike having surplusses more than most. Plus I move around a lot and will move again within 6 months and this makes "stuff" unattractive.
What I do like is experiences, food, good company. A few hours playing Scrabble with some mates means more to me than any new clothes ever could. Hahaha this puts my parents at a loss, and in the end they did get me some things.
Well, so, ok, anyone reading this who wants to do something for my bday I'd love to just get a 2-line email, or draw me a picture (!!!), or if you're nearby come hang out for a few hours. That would be SO AWESOME!
Well the festival officially kicked off in New England where I met a dear friend and we had an adventure driving in the rain, getting coffee and yummy sushi, running around some bible college, and petting horses. Here's me with one of the horses later:
It was pretty rad. After sleeping like an angel in a huge comfy room at the horse place, one of my very best pals ever, Chuk, came to collect me.
His family farm is still one of the coolest places on earth, and I got to hang out with some pigs and chickens!
But Chuk doesn't live on the farm anymore. Instead he lives in Squalor. Hahaha. Sorry, love.
Chuk is a carpenter, probably the only Carleton-educated one in all of New England. Way brilliant for his trade.
Chuk: So I'm like a big fish in a small pond?
Me: No, you're like a whale in a bathtub.
See? He's vaulted the ceiling and will soon add three skylights. (The door is the front door, the room is the living room.) It's actually really neat seeing the house come along since I visited last December!
Well, Chuk and I hung out with his housemate and fellow tradie Jason, who plays a mean guitar. He's also a master painter.
I was slugging through some life lessons about expectations and disappointment and these two blokes set me straight, keeping me Present and In The Moment for three solid days. Thanks dudes! Talking about your woman-woes made me forget my man-troubles! Plus we just had a blast hiking around and doing nothing.
This is the best kind of birthday gift.
(Story will continue in a future post, including mushroom hunting and frozen eggs!)
Travelling a lot makes this pretty easy.
And as I learned from my estranged-but-still-lovely husband, it's appropriate to give oneself a bday gift as well.
The problem is that I don't like physical items. I have way too much stuff, too many clothes and toiletries and knicknacks and art supplies and decorations and yoga accessories and books and technology items and whatever. Or maybe it's that I have a normal amount but I just dislike having surplusses more than most. Plus I move around a lot and will move again within 6 months and this makes "stuff" unattractive.
What I do like is experiences, food, good company. A few hours playing Scrabble with some mates means more to me than any new clothes ever could. Hahaha this puts my parents at a loss, and in the end they did get me some things.
Well, so, ok, anyone reading this who wants to do something for my bday I'd love to just get a 2-line email, or draw me a picture (!!!), or if you're nearby come hang out for a few hours. That would be SO AWESOME!
Well the festival officially kicked off in New England where I met a dear friend and we had an adventure driving in the rain, getting coffee and yummy sushi, running around some bible college, and petting horses. Here's me with one of the horses later:
It was pretty rad. After sleeping like an angel in a huge comfy room at the horse place, one of my very best pals ever, Chuk, came to collect me.
His family farm is still one of the coolest places on earth, and I got to hang out with some pigs and chickens!
But Chuk doesn't live on the farm anymore. Instead he lives in Squalor. Hahaha. Sorry, love.
Chuk is a carpenter, probably the only Carleton-educated one in all of New England. Way brilliant for his trade.
Chuk: So I'm like a big fish in a small pond?
Me: No, you're like a whale in a bathtub.
See? He's vaulted the ceiling and will soon add three skylights. (The door is the front door, the room is the living room.) It's actually really neat seeing the house come along since I visited last December!
Well, Chuk and I hung out with his housemate and fellow tradie Jason, who plays a mean guitar. He's also a master painter.
I was slugging through some life lessons about expectations and disappointment and these two blokes set me straight, keeping me Present and In The Moment for three solid days. Thanks dudes! Talking about your woman-woes made me forget my man-troubles! Plus we just had a blast hiking around and doing nothing.
This is the best kind of birthday gift.
(Story will continue in a future post, including mushroom hunting and frozen eggs!)
Sunday, July 18, 2010
getting over nerves
A pair of flights will in a few hours deliver me unto Durham, NC, where I will for one week attend a "law preview" camp. Two months prior I was sent a textbook to read in preparation -- only a third has been consumed, due in part to finishing my last Australian semester. Pressure builds, my unpreparedness a burden on my piece of mind. Classes run from as early as 7:30 straight through to 5pm, leaving little time to catch up.
But beyond the legal nerdfest there is much to accomplish: a car is to be purchased, insurance obtained. I will be staying this week in the same condo I'll occupy during the coming semester, and details with my landlord will be settled. My sister-in-law gives her defense (PhD in computer science!) -- should I cut class to attend? Durham must be explored. And then the day after the course finishes I'll drive back to Wisconsin: 17 wheelhours through states I've never visited.
Last night a pit of tension filled my stomach, making dinner completely unappetizing.
Where did my piece of mind go? Why can't I take my own advice?
Indeed!
I realized last night I wasn't going to finish the textbook, so I just put it down! Felt so good! Next, I just watched my brain as I freaked out a little. If I really just watched my thoughts, felt my tensed tummy and shortened breath, then it all just seemed ridiculous and started to fade. I decided I didn't really care to be stressed out anymore, so set about not being stressed.
"Let's just see what happens in Durham," I said to myself. "I don't have to absolultely maximize the potential of every moment, after all. I'm not getting graded on this course. In fact, I don't even have to attend every class!"
Finally, I was able to say to myself, "I don't mind what happens on this trip."
A low, steady thrum was coming from outside: pounding rain. I saw the beauty of the cascading drops, undistracted by anything in next week's Durham, and giggled.
But beyond the legal nerdfest there is much to accomplish: a car is to be purchased, insurance obtained. I will be staying this week in the same condo I'll occupy during the coming semester, and details with my landlord will be settled. My sister-in-law gives her defense (PhD in computer science!) -- should I cut class to attend? Durham must be explored. And then the day after the course finishes I'll drive back to Wisconsin: 17 wheelhours through states I've never visited.
Last night a pit of tension filled my stomach, making dinner completely unappetizing.
Where did my piece of mind go? Why can't I take my own advice?
Indeed!
I realized last night I wasn't going to finish the textbook, so I just put it down! Felt so good! Next, I just watched my brain as I freaked out a little. If I really just watched my thoughts, felt my tensed tummy and shortened breath, then it all just seemed ridiculous and started to fade. I decided I didn't really care to be stressed out anymore, so set about not being stressed.
"Let's just see what happens in Durham," I said to myself. "I don't have to absolultely maximize the potential of every moment, after all. I'm not getting graded on this course. In fact, I don't even have to attend every class!"
Finally, I was able to say to myself, "I don't mind what happens on this trip."
A low, steady thrum was coming from outside: pounding rain. I saw the beauty of the cascading drops, undistracted by anything in next week's Durham, and giggled.
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