open to change

They don't "follow" rules here. It's rather comofrting.

My new haircut, Katy's new haircut

A week ago I put about everything I own into my car and moved up to Rhode Island, from North Carolina, stopping overnight in New Jersey at the delightful home of darling friend Katy.

Now I'm sitting at the kitchen table of my new home, with my new flatmate, in a new city, a new state, with a new bank, a new haircut, a new internship and experiencing a new culture.

They say that Rhode Island has a lot of corruption. That's probably an overstatement, but there is a laxity that seems to be threaded through everything. Rules aren't followed the same way here. Driving, for example, is a bargaining game. If there is only barely room for one car on the road (what with parked cars on both sides and severe snow banks), you negotiate who gets to go through the narrow spots first. Stop signs are a suggestion, but a suggestion even for the streets that don't face them. Signalling? Optional. Turning left on a red light? Ok now and then. There's a lot of casual finger waving from the steering wheel. None of it so far has been the least bit grumpy.

I got a new bank account today, and, after some 90 minutes of chitchat and paperwork, my Banking Representative® introduced me to the branch manager. He said to make sure I be aware of and take advantage of all the benefits of my new account. I asked about waiving fees for international money transfers, which wasn't listed. He looked down, thought about it, and said ok. He said if I find I have those fees, to talk to him and he'd get them reversed.

Of course, I had just opened a lot of interesting accounts with them, but still, it's this attitude.

I went to a full-service laundromat today with my bag of dirties, asking about their fluff-n-fold service. They told me the deal, and said it was a busy day so it wouldn't be ready til noon tomorrow.
"Ah, noon?" I asked, just to confirm.
"You want it a sooner time? We can do that if you need it a certain time in the morning?" The owners squinted at me congenially, proposing.
"Noon?" I countered.
"Yeah, noontime, we'll have it ready then."

Yes, these places want my business. Yes, they want to appear friendly and welcoming. But I get the impression at the coffee shops, on the phone with the guy who runs the parking lot I use, with the waitresses and the neighbours and the grocery store check-out clerks that there is a more flexible attitude here.

The banking rep lady even took me back behind the tellers, past the area with the safe, down into the staff-only basement, so I could use the small, strange ladies' room!

A year ago I think this would have driven me crazy.

Everything is sort of lax, slightly unpredictable, up for renegotiation. Where are the guarantees? The commitments? Will pedestrians retreat to the sidewalks or stay on the streets? Why didn't that car look before reversing right in front of me? Will I get kicked out if my flatmate's landlord finds out I'm subletting the spare bedroom? And all these promised favors, will they be retracted?

The truth is, of course, that nothing is ever guaranteed. We never really know what's going to happen next, to us or to others. Every single day things happen that remind me that I have no guarantees.

I actively look for these things. It's sort of a little inside joke I have with the universe. Every single day it proves to me that I am not in control by presenting to me something I couldn't have predicted.

I think sometimes in the back of our minds we assume that certain things are, well, certain. Almost as if we were in control of this place. Heck, I can't even fully control when I finally throw back the sheets and decide to climb out of bed instead of lazing about with my iPhone.

So, every day I keep an eye out for stuff that happens that demonstrates that I'm not in control. Stuff that sort of surprises me. Some religious types might call it "proof that God exists" or that S/He is running this place instead of me.

Some days it's a bizarre piece of litter on the sidewalk -- a child's sundress on a fence, clean and pressed, in the middle of winter. Other days it's an email from an unexpected source, or a strange sound filling the parking lot.

Sometimes it's the sudden absence of a familiar item or routine occurence. 

We are always out of control, and frankly, it's pretty great.

Especially in a place like Rhode Island where it seems it's expected that there's going to be some of the unexpected. I'm going to try to relax, shrug, and wave my neighbor in the car next to me through the intersection.

1000 Awesome Things?

A friend recently suggested I submit something to 1000AwesomeThings.com.

Even stinging cuts can be awesome.

I really like Neil. I saw his TED Talks video and found I really agree with his philosophy and was touched by his story.



But something about the website/concept doesn't sit that well with me. Some of the things are sort of selfish. Virtually all of them involve gratification. 

What I find inspiring is being able to take delight in things that Neil would probably NOT consider awesome.

Suppose you are having a really shitty day because a ton of dirty snow got in your car and you had to sit in it and your butt got all cold and wet, and etc etc. 

I'd love to see someone describe how THIS is still awesome. And I mean AWESOME.

Because ideally we'd be able to experience the world where everything was awesome, right? Not just the things we already think are cool, because that's easy. That's like just skipping to dessert and pronouncing cake to be where it's at. 

I say Brussles sprouts are just as tasty, even if they are a little burnt.

...

Then sometimes I think (because clearly I have thought about this website quite a bit) that maybe I have to start relishing even the "good" things in life more, if I have such hang-ups over them / this website!

H
ahaha, nah, I enjoy the shit out of life. :)



So, I decided to submit something not "obviously" awesome. 

Life cannot be a game of hopscotch, jumping from gratification to gratification. The entire experience of being alive can be blissful, and our preferences for the smell of coffee over the smell of boiled cabbage lead us to frown when we're over the stew pot.


My submission: "humdrum overcast days"
Those days that at first glance make you go "bleh" ... but they don't have to. One on such day in college a friend said he loved this sort of weather, and I thought, "Awesome!"

Ok, at first I thought, "Are you nuts?!" but then I realized that if I could enjoy overcast days as much as brilliant sunshine-y days, I'd be a much happier person.

So often we only seek out things we already consider pleasurable. In their absence we flounder, miserable, searching for the next whiff of coffee or perfect-nacho-off-someone-else's-plate. Not everything is immediately jubilant, but it doesn't mean we can't come to appreciate -- nay, REVEL -- in all the other details, too.

breaking bad habits

Maybe you have resolved to start, stop, or alter a habit in 2011. Sometimes it's stopping a habit that is the hardest, but if you can narrow down the exact moments when action is critical, the whole process is much easier. (You can modify these steps to form a new habit, too.)

NOTE: If you are dealing with a habit that involves addictive or illegal substances, or anything with physical withdrawal symptoms, you should also have a read through the book The Addiction Solution and follow its guide.

Ok so anyway, if you are just trying to stop obsessive thoughts over a love interest, or snacking in front of the TV, or playing computer games so much, stuff like that, here's a guide to reaching your goal sooner.

1. Firmly decide that you want to break the habit.
2. Whenever you find yourself about to do the thing, remember that you decided not to do it.

That's it!

Oh ho, if only we could all just do things so simply! Wouldn't that be great? Actually, with some practice you can definitely get better at this stuff. Let's look at these two parts separately.


Firmly decide that you want to break the habit

Each word here matters. It's a decision, a conscious decision. Imagine life with the habit, and life without the habit. Imagine a situation where you typically do the thing, and consider that one day you may instead not do it. Is this something you want?

Hmmmm... if you're like me, at this stage, even this stage, a little whisper of doubt creeps in and says, "Actually, I sort of like this bad habit for some reason." Well, tough. You need to decide this before you start. Make up your mind. Think about your long-term future, think about your ideal lifestyle, think about your best version of your Self. Still want to have the habit?

You need to want to change. This is when you do your research on what is good or bad, your soul-searching. Now, in your philosopher's armchair, not later when faced with the temptation itself. Some part of you wants to change. Focus on that part.

Decide firmly. And to break the habit, not merely put it aside for a while.

Not easy! But again: much MUCH easier now than when the thing is right in front of you.

I recommend taking 10 minutes right now on this. Set a timer so you don't "waste" any extra precious internet-surfing time (I know how it is...). For the first 5 minutes, just clear your mind. I have a meditation guide explaining what I mean by this, but maybe you have your own method. Then take 5 minutes and really focus on this decision. Take as much time as you need, but I find a timer helps me get started and focused.


Whenever you find yourself about to do the thing, remember that you decided not to do it.

So, if you normally come home and go straight to the bad-habit computer game, this means coming home and then remembering you were not going to go to the game anymore. And then not playing it.

What do you do instead? Saying yes is so much easier than saying no, so figure out beforehand that you will be saying yes to some other activity -- instead of thinking about this as saying no to the game. You can be saying yes to a better future, or you can be saying yes to watching youtube videos. It's going to be a lot easier to have prepared activities in mind, mostly things you generally enjoy doing.

Come up with a bunch of things you'll be saying yes to, both philosophical and concrete. Come up with a bunch of replacement activities, both fun things and productive ones.

And now, it's time to practice. You've already firmly decided you want to break this habit, remember. Remember this because you're about to face the toughest part of breaking the habit.

In reality, there are very few pivotal moments in this whole thing. It's the moments at which you decide to do the activity or not. Included in this is those moments where you realize you're doing the thing, and you either continue or you stop. These are the only moments you need to worry about, and the only ones you really need to prepare for. So the idea is to practice facing these moments when you're of solid mind and strong desire, so that when you face them in reality you'll be better off.

Take another 10 minute chunk of time. Again, spend the first 3-5 minutes just clearing your mind. It's going to be important to focus. For the remainder imagine a future situation in which you normally do the habit, and then imagine yourself not doing it (by doing something else instead). As often as necessary, go through the first exercise of re-affirming your desire to change this habit and all the reasons for doing so.

Again, this might be pretty tough! That slimy thought of "actually I don't mind this habit that much" may come back to strangle your will with its fat, greasy fingers. But keep deciding, and keep practicing, and brush those tempting hands away. Of course it's hard. You would have broken this habit long ago, otherwise. But it's easier to decide now during practice than during the real thing.




And so, next time you are actually faced with the decision, go through your plan. Reiterate to yourself the reasons for stopping, and recall your firm decision to stop. Then do a different activity instead of the habitual one.

Remember: just like how in practice you can fail and falter a few times and that's ok, the same thing goes for real life. Don't give up just because you didn't do it perfectly the first time. That's fine, it's all fine, everything is fine, just keep practicing and following through will be easier and easier!

Have you tried this and found it successful? Any tips to make it even more effective! Please leave a comment letting me know!

who do you think you are?

We label ourselves a lot. I say the less, the better.

Labels are a way of having expectations for ourselves. "I'm the music guy," we say to ourselves. "I'm someone who dislikes carrot cake." "I'm bad at learning math." Well, what's really the point of having these phrases and labels?

Do they foster your identity -- locking you into a position you may later regret? Do they make you feel special? Do they give you an excuse for not trying, a sense of vindication when they are "proved" correct, a crutch for connecting with other people?

Let's look at each of the examples above.

"I'm the music guy."
This is a classic way to build an expectation in yourself. Maybe at one stage in life you were really good at playing or writing music, and you built part of your sense of self around this. It's great to recognize your strengths and to pursue them as you contribute to this wonderful world we're in, but it can also be a trap. What if one day you are not that good at music anymore, or you find someone much better than you? Any other aspects of yourself will probably seem pretty useless then, in your moment of dejection. Were you just a fake this whole time? Will you ever regain your place in the world?

Too bad you didn't cultivate a larger sense of self that allows for failing, for not being awesome at music! Hahaha, ok, this is a little extreme, but we all know people who get very legitimately worked up and brought down over finding themselves bereft of their "identity".

You are the only one who gets to determine how you identify yourself. Wouldn't you rather optimize this, so that you are just as happy being awesome at music as being not?

None of us are always going to be the best at any one thing.

This is not to say we should avoid pursuing greatness, hahaha, no no! We should definitely try our best, but let's play music well for the sake of playing music well, not to feel vindicated and justified for claiming ourselves to be superior to some other group of people. Hahaha, think of all those famous musicians who had the aim of playing good music, not of being the best musician.

Play music because it feels good, play music as a gift to your listeners. Don't play music so that you can breathe a sigh of relief because you are still probably "the music guy".

Hahaha, just a thought!


"I'm someone who dislikes carrot cake."
Alright, fine, the times you tried it you didn't like it as much as chocolate cake. But, well, we've all read Green Eggs and Ham, right? Give it another shot. And even if you still don't adore it, just experience what it is like to be eating it. Isn't that what you do when you eat chocolate cake, you just get really into the moment of consumption?

What is the point of disliking something (something non-harmful, at least)? What good does it do you or anyone else for you to be set in your mind that you will have a negative experience, a bad time, if you are made to eat a slice of carrot cake? All it does is make you grumpy when it happens. Why on earth make yourself grumpy??

I understand that most people have a lot of preferences. Given perfect freedom, you'd always enjoy the chocolate more than the carrot. But how do you KNOW that this is always true? And what does it gain you?

I used to not see the point of vanilla ice cream. Seriously, it's the base flavour of nearly every dessert, so it's like eating "blank" ice cream. But you know what, vanilla is an available flavour nearly everywhere. That many people can't all be wrong, right? Also, I don't want to be one of those old people who never stopped being 3 when it comes to food preferences. So now when faced with myriad ice creams, sometimes I'll get vanilla just to mix it up. Why not! I can savour it as much as the Turtle Fudge Sundae flavour, and it's my own fault if I fail to really get into it.

BONUS: if you're really good at avoiding the temptation of preferences, think how much easier life is when people decide on cake flavours for you? Or on other less-trivial things? Suddenly now you are able to just keep your peaceful, giggling mood, and not get upset or even just miffed that it's not precisely how you would have arranged things.

And maybe you'll realize that you don't even mind carrot cake so much anymore, and even sort of enjoy it.


"I'm bad at learning math."
This one might be trickier to spot, and has variations like, "I'll never be good at calculus." Well, not with that attitude! Sure, some things come more quickly than others, and it's great to recognize in what areas you'll need to put more effort.

But there's basically no point in convincing yourself that you're going to be bad at something. Like the inverse, where you pride yourself on your accomplishments, this is a way of defining your core identity that can be self-reinforcing and lead to expectations.

It's not part of the path to happiness. It won't really motivate you to try harder, it won't make you feel at ease when you go to math class, it won't set you up for breaking out of any future periods of difficulty.

Ok, it's great to be modest and humble, to express freely your weaknesses and sympathize with others who don't pick up math like a thief picking up your dropped wallet. But no need to lock yourself in to a self-defeating mindset! If you need to work a little harder, then work a little harder. That's all. Believe in yourself.


I have no way of defining myself now. Thanks.
That's kind of the goal, but not everyone will be completely comfortable with the notion.

There is no need to have a set identity. Nothing about us remains the same, over time, anyway. Emotions only last a few seconds, we change our minds all the time, our politics change as we age and experience the world, our health and finances affect our perceptions, a good exam grade or positive feedback from the boss can make a "lost cause" to seem beyond manageable.

So, if all of this is going to change anyway, why bother labelling yoursef when it will probably lead to disappointments and grumpiness? We connect to others best when we don't have cake-preferences and skillset views distracting us from really hearing and feeling what the other person is saying. Just laugh it off, and when people shake their heads and condescend with "You've changed," just shrug.

"We're always changing."

--------


Follow-up reading: is there some part of us that doesn't change? One wise man's perspective.

are you special?

People all want to fit in, want to be respected and loved by the world for who they are, accepted. It feels great to be part of a community, to work together towards a common goal and participate alongside others. I like to think of it as us all being individual cells in a common, larger body -- I'm sure other people have found similar metaphors. Except maybe it's not even a metaphor at all, but how reality works!
The ego (in the Buddhist sense, not the Freudian sense) has a different aim; the ego wants us to be special, set apart, unique. To be (or at least be seen as) the most _____, the worst _____, the best _____, having the most extreme experiences -- and deserving extra attention for it. But setting oneself apart doesn't actually lead to long-term happiness. Instead it is a path leading only to isolation and that deep-seated agony because "no one understands you".

The drive to be special, to be separate, is a drive we all have to acknoledge and then ignore. Sure, for the greater good we can strive to be the best at, say, solving global warming or something, but the point should be solving the problem, not in happening to be #1 at it.

We like to think our experiences are pretty special. Why else would we get to experience them? Things are pretty intense, after all! Well, sure. And it's great to be so in the moment that what might otherwise be mundane feels fully profound. Being alive is supposed to be awesome and intense, even when just pouring milk over your cereal! But should this entitle you to extra attention or whatnot?

The short-term vindication of having your uniqueness acknowledged tends quickly to become both a craving for more of the same and a disorientation from the resulting separation from the rest of the community.

Hahaha, ok, this probably seems petty when talking about things like how you managed to blow out ALL your birthday candles on the first exhalation. I'll cut to the chase.

I too like to think I am a bit special. I am synaesthetic, so I hear my sense of touch, and see tastes and smells, etc. It's pretty cool I guess, took a while growing up before I realized how much this differs from the ordinary experience. Also, I'm smart (doing really well at school and scoring really well on those tests), I sometimes can do creative things kinda well, etc. And just this past week the doctors are saying I'm almost certainly epileptic.

I guess that makes me special!

But to get lost in the chatter of my mind, parading in the glow of self-congratulatory affirmation of how, fuck yes, I am pretty darn special, different from all those other people in substantial ways, etc., well, that doesn't do me any good. Not to say someone with amazing composition abilities should suddenly stop writing music just to blend in with the crowd. No, no, use your talents and skills and uniqueness to contribute to this place as best you can! Just don't except special treatment or let it get to your head.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: despite spending most of our teenage years looking for ways to set ourselves apart, it's a duty to ourselves, our sanity and our society to nod kindly to the ego, give it a head pat, and tuck it aside. It doesn't get you anywhere. Do your best, don't require or seek out recognition, and see that it's actually pretty great to reclaim your spot alongside everyone else as an Awesome Human.

stitching

Have you heard of Rosey Grier? No? Don't google him; I've made a fact sheet with all you really need to know:

secret to always having fun at parties

Two nights ago was the law school's Hallowe'en party, and last night's was for the Nicholas School of the Environment. Let's compare a bit.

• Law: Set at a proper club with legitimate bouncers, people checking IDs at the door, multiple bartenders, excellent sound system. Nic: Set in a forest maintenance shed off a gravel road off a little-used long driveway, some chick taking tickets/cash on the gravel road, open kegs and bags of wine floating about (people bringing their own mugs or glass jars), a low-key DJ.
• Law: 65% men. Nic: 80% women.
• Law: students only. Nic: a prof showed up with a bottle of Jack as part of his costume -- he apparently stayed all the way til 2am.
• Law: proper bathrooms at the facility. Nic: one porta-potty ("it's actually clean and fully stocked with toilet paper!") but most people just went in the woods or around the back of the maintenance shed.
• Law: I already knew virtually everyone there. Nic: I had only previously met 5 of the attendees.

 I wouldn't say one was definitely way better than the other. I went as a dirty hippie (I know, I know, hardly a costume for me), and was "in character" too. It was a great experience to be at these huge gatherings practicing being mellow and chilled out and blissed.

Fantastic!

So how to have a great time at parties? Even at the Nic party, where I knew next to nobody, I had a BLAST!

• I had decided in advance that I was going to be in a great, happy, indefatigable mood. 
• I didn't care what people thought of me when I was mingling with strangers who didn't particularly welcome me into their little dance circles. That's cool!
• I laughed ALL THE TIME, just a fun, why-not laugh, head thrown back in glee! 
• If I saw someone in a great costume or just really well-dressed or good looking (men and women) I'd say so! I'd walk right up and say "you look aMAZing!" and make happy eye-contact and laugh and prance!
• I didn't talk to anyone for too long in a row, always just flitting around and coming back and bouncing off and laughing back.
• If someone invited me to dance in a different corner, or go get a drink just then, or step to a quieter part of the place, etc, I said yes! People love it when you take them up on offers!

Not everyone is gonna like you, and that's completely fine! Doesn't mean you have to dislike them because of it, hahaha, no point in being bitter or petty in this short, beautiful life!